National Infertility Awareness Week: My Story

(my husband being the best uncle in the world)

I've felt the need to write about this for a while. I've wanted to but at the same time I didn't. So this is going to be a bit disjointed because while I've learned to become open about my baby making troubles in real life, on the blog I'm stuck. I don't know everyone who will read these words. I can't read your expression and stop and walk away and I'm not going to lie I'm usually not a hyper-sensitive person At.All but with this stuff just the littlest bits of insensitivity or ignorance can get to me.

So let me first ask. IF YOU ARE GOING TO COMMENT ON THIS POST OR TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS PLEASE READ THIS POST IN ITS ENTIRETY BEFORE DOING SO. This post is going to be pretty personal. I know it's not usually how this blog is so if that doesn't interesting you I totally understand just check back next week and I'll be back to my crafty bookish self.

So this is my story.

We got married. We worked hard. We were happy. We finally moved into a house big enough for us and to start a family. I was winding down with my grad school stuff. So we started trying. I was on prenatals, I charted faithfully, temperature every day and other fertility signs (if you haven't read Taking Charge of Your Fertility it is quite great).

And then we had a baby. We saw a heart beat. And then we didn't.

I was about 10 weeks along when I miscarried. We hadn't told our parents yet. I had bought picture albums and scheduled a dinner with all of them since all four of their birthdays are around the same time. So I sat through this awkward dinner knowing I had lost the baby that was the whole point about the joint birthday thing. I took the medicine that was supposed to help the process finish but my body just wouldn't and after watching a close friend go through months of waiting for her miscarriage to be complete we decided on a DNC.

But that was real surgery and I flipped out and decided we HAD to tell our parents and our sisters. How would it feel if they found out, how would I have felt, what if something worse happened? And it's not that we didn't want their support. Both our families are GREAT I just felt like I had robbed them of a happy couple of months and was just going to spring "dead baby" on them. Plus I was a mess to begin with. So Daniel went on his own to tell my family and to tell his family. I just couldn't. But it's not like he wasn't rocked by all of this also, he was.

And I knew that miscarriages were common so as awful as it was, being a worrier I was as ready as you can be for that. I threw myself into my work and became obsessed with reading getting lost into other people's stories. These dystopian tales where the kids dealt with such unfairness and such horror. If they could make it through so could I, right? It was still horrible and hard but I was coping.

And we started trying again as soon as we got the okay. I was still charting. But nothing happened. I got on vitamin D and that helped with the depression that had crept up. Months and months passed but still nothing. I told the doctor something was wrong but she said I was just being impatient and we knew everything worked already and just to give it time. I gave it a few more months and then basically said either we start testing or a find a new doctor (it had been over a year).

We did lots and lots of tests. And I was normal. He was normal. The doctor wanted to put me on fertility meds. So I found a second opinion. Apparently there was one test she didn't run a Post-Coital test. Basically they swab the woman after sex to see if the sperm are still going strong. And low and behold I was a sperm killer. So glad we switched doctors.

So with some intervention we should be able to easily by pass the issue. But here we are on round 4 of intervention. The second level even. And I'm here waiting to see if that feeling I suspect is me about to get my period is real or just my paranoia.

And that's we're I am. I'm mostly okay. Really. But those first few days that I get my period I'm a mess. But it's hard because I know it's okay for me to be sad but then I learn of a friend who's sibling or parent has just died or an acquaintance who's kid is extremely sick and I feel like an ungrateful, selfish, jerk for hating my life in those moment.

Because I don't hate my life I have a good life. But it does have this huge sucky part to it. And I just don't know how to feel. That moment when the doctor told us she couldn't find a heart beat is one of those freeze frame moments that pops back up and attacks me out of no where. And when I get my period each month it's like torture. Conveniently after the miscarriage with every cycle I get full on pregnancy symptoms as PMS. You can see how I could commiserate with my YA heroines. I don't wonder why this last try didn't work. All I can think about is why I couldn't just have that first baby. We had one! But it is what it is.

I think the hardest part (at least today) is that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL. I'm scared to hope. But scared not to. I'm a very religious person but I don't believe that this life is fair and I know I have been blessed far far beyond what I deserve already. It might sound crazy but really I don't know how I feel.

What I do know is that I can let this sucky thing consume me and rob me of everything else that is great or I can walk through it continue to try and figure it out and focus on the things that I have. My family, my nieces, my business, my amazing friends, this wonderful online community, my books, and my husband who is more perfect for me than I could have ever dreamed, and much more. And so while sometimes I feel schitso -in one moment so sad and in the other so happy- this is me right now. Most of the time I genuinely enjoy my life, I've learned to relish the little things like the triumphs and loves of my silly books. And when it's a rough day I let myself feel it. I call my friends I hug my husband and nieces. And we continue.

I hope that I will be able to share good news on this front some day but PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME FOR UPDATES EVEN IF YOU'RE REAL WORLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY that's something I just have a really hard time handling. I have a few people that I found can ask and I can go to without falling apart and that's just what works for me. When there is news worth sharing don't worry it will be shared. And I trust that we will have a happy ending. Whether it's that I can finally be content not having my own children and just being an aunty or that we do eventually have kids (however that may happen) I don't know. Even with that uncertainty I really do have a lot and I know it.
 

Comments

  1. I think it is totally okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, even if you don’t know what that is, and regardless of what others are going through. This is a hard battle. I’m proud of you for sharing and I hope you get a lot of support.

  2. Hugs and prayers…

  3. Big hugs, Marissa!! So glad you shared your story.

  4. Hugs from Norway! Thank you for sharing!

  5. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I feel so lucky to be able to call you my friend. I sobbed through this post because I ache for you. I hope with you. I pray for you.

  6. Thank you so much for sharing Marissa, this could not have been an easy post to write. Stay strong, it’ll happen!

  7. Marissa, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve had three losses, and it’s been extremely difficult to open myself up to friends and family about it. Some days are hard, some days are easier, but you need to feel however you’re feeling, even if you’re not quite sure what those feelings are. I know you don’t know me, but I’ve been following your blog for awhile, and you are one cool chick, and I wish nothing but great things for you.

  8. Thank you for sharing your story, Marissa. Infertility is heartbreaking… You sound a lot like me, I am very private, and while I wanted my families support, no one knew how to deal with what I was going through so I kept a lot to myself. We have lost six sweet babies, and that is pain that never goes away. Do not lose hope though – miracles happen!! Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk with someone who has been where you are. Take care!

  9. Wow. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing. I am sure it was hard.

  10. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through these struggles. I’m only commenting because I want you to know you’re not alone. I’ve endured these same pains. With me, it’s a little different. I don’t ovulate and my husband shoots blanks. We talked about fertility meds, but we decided it wasn’t for us. We wanted to adopt for a very long time, but my husband was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago and before that had other healthy problems. Once the diagnosis came, we couldn’t imagine going through his health problems with children and it drained our coffers so we could no longer afford to adopt. It took a very long time, but I’ve finally accepted God’s plan for us and I’m finally content just being an aunty.

    I hope that someday, you’ll be able to have your own child(ren). That you won’t have to be happy just being an aunty. If you do ever need to talk, I’d be more than happy to listen.

    • Jenni, thank you so much for sharing. I hate that you had to go through all of that but I’m glad to hear that you do feel content with now things are some times that’s the hardest part for me just not feeling content. Thanks for your willingness to talk I may have to take you up on that sometimes its just nice to have someone who’s been there.

  11. I have found blogs to be one of the best places to learn about personal issues. Things that are hard to talk about or process get a first person angle that makes them real and more understandable.

    I have a sister in-law who miscarried at 10 weeks. I haven’t talked with her about it. Two weeks after the happy phone call (we were living abroad) we got a one line email. I have never talked with her more about it. Now I have a little more of an idea what she was going through; is still going through. Thank you.

    • I’m glad that could help. I don’t know why maybe it feels more like a failure to them but it is the absolute hardest for me to talk to my family about all of this and we’re a super close family. It feels unfair because I know they love and care about me but it’s just too hard. It might be the same for your SIL. Definitely will be keeping her in my prayers

  12. Marissa, my heart aches for you, at your loss and at your courage to share your story. Lots of love and prayers for you and your family!

  13. Thank you for sharing! It took me and Rudy what felt like forever to get pregnant. I “knew” I was pregnant in December before our house fire, but the doctor told me I wasn’t. I was heartbroken. Being diabetic and so close to 35 I was terrified I couldn’t have children or that it would be extremely difficult. Then we had the house fire. I became increasingly depressed knowing that the stress was not going to help me conceive. February rolled around and towards the end of the month I started getting some pregnancy symptoms again. I assumed it was another chemical pregnancy like the last. The week before my birthday I found out we were pregnant. I was 3 weeks along. The day after my birthday I ended up in the ER with bleeding. I was terrified I was losing my shot at a healthy pregnancy and I was losing the baby. They took me back and did an ultrasound. Olive was just a heart and yolk. It was amazing. It turned out I’m RH positive and my blood type was O neg. My body was trying to kill off the baby. With a lot of prayer, fear, and sticking strictly to doctor’s orders we had Olive. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I hope you are able to keep your head up and push through. You are one of the best Auntie’s ever. Your life is a beautiful story and however it is written is how it will be. Be strong, have faith, and talk with God. My prayers are with you!

  14. Infertility–having experienced it myself for many years now–is very tough. It’s an emotional roller coaster every month, and it’s hard feeling like a failure as woman even when you know it’s kind of crazy to feel like that. I just want you to know that there are many out there who know how you feel. You’re not alone. Infertility is a VERY lonely road, but you’re not alone. Hugs!

  15. Infertility is a challenge & is very heartbreaking. That is so awesome that you’re willing to share your story like this, and I know it must be emotional and hard for you. That just makes you all the more amazing. I am wishing you & your family all the best, positive thoughts, prayers & hugs! Hang in there!

    Btw, I haven’t told you this yet, but I am in LOVE w/your blog. I love that you bring such a mix to it and truly define “lifestyle blogging” w/your posts about books, sewing, etc, which is what I’m trying to get back into on my own blog. My goal is to work on that this summer. Anyways…LOVE your posts and I look forward to it everyday.

    Vivian
    Confessions of a Vi3tBabe
    Deity Island

  16. Oh, big hugs sweet friend. I know that was hard to share but so much harder to go through. Just know you have so many friends and family praying for you.

  17. Major hugs for sharing your story. I think infertility is a tough subject to discuss because emotions run so high. I recently had a miscarriage in February and it’s a hard thing to talk about. I wish you all the luck in the world. <333

  18. Love you Marissa. You are great.

  19. Thank you for sharing, Marissa…i will definitely be praying for a miracle for you and Daniel <3

  20. You are so brave for sharing your story. You’re a beautiful person! I’m lucky I can call you a blogging and Snap friend!

  21. ((hugs)) I was brave of you to share. Miscarriage is a horrific thing to have happen. To have loved do much and lost. Ups and downs should not happen that close together. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry you get a freakin reminder every freaking month. Sometimes being the girl sucks.

  22. First of all, I love you & I’m in awe of you for opening up & writing this. I know it was hard, but hope in the end it helps. Your emotions are valid and you should never feel bad for how you feel. I am always here!

  23. I love you so much! I ache for you and for your pain. Know I am always here for you and will never ask you about it. I will always be here to support you in EVERY way I can!

  24. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I can see how painful it is. I’m so sorry, and I’m sending wishful thoughts your way. :) Thanks for sharing your story.

  25. I have wondered how to talk about something like this on my blog when (like you) I don’t like talking about it in real life, much less Internet strangers. Thank you for opening your heart here so that others could gain more awareness and insight.

  26. God is good all the time. Still ache for Stacey’s little peanut. Prayers and hugs. Mrs jeannete

  27. Some of the most difficult times in my life were going through my miscarriages. It pains me to see you go through it too. In the past I’ve held such animosity to people that had a bunch of kids (this was before Sephira when we tried for two years to make her). At times I felt wrong for those feelings but honestly I felt that justified since going through miscarriages isn’t an easy thing. I can’t stand when people underplay what you are going through. And doctors were the worst at being sympathetic to your individual situation. Going through all that weighs on your individual soul. It’s a complete train wreck of epic proportions when you find out about your impending miscarriage. My hugs are with you Marissa. I’m not a very religious person bug I will say that I send you the warmest of thoughts. If you ever want to gripe about any if it or say absolutely ANYTHING to someone (no matter how awful a thought it may seem or whatever. Really. ) please don’t hesitate to email me!

  28. Thanks so much for reaching out It’s nice to hear from people who understand. I may have to take you up on the griping sometimes you just need to think things even though you don’t “really” mean it but it does get tiring.

  29. {HUGS} :(

  30. Best wishes and I hope you have a great doctor. I have been an infertility nurse for years and it is such a hard struggle to watch women emotionally and financially endure. I have acquired a lot of friends over the years that started out as patients. Just for the record…”It is not fair.” It is ok to think that. =)

  31. We had issues also. I read The Infertility Cure and then started acupuncture and chinese herbs along with the western medicine protocol and it worked. Maybe it’ll help you out as well? I know where you are, I’ve been there too and my heart goes out to you.

  32. All my love! Taking charge of your fertility changed my life! It took us over a year on infertility with my daughter and we got pregnant with #2 the first month we started trying (its still a secret though:)) it was really hard to gear up emotionally to start trying because i knew it would probably take a long time. My advice (take it or leave it) would be to stop charting for a couple months (even though it goes against all logic) take a little couple vacay to do something you two love to do. It doesn’t sound easy, but you deserve a break. I found it helped to take a little mental break to keep me sane!

    I’m praying for you

  33. I’m glad you shared your story with us. My second miscarriage was exactly the same. (((hugs))) and I hope your get your family soon!

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